Skip to main content

TMI Thursday: fetus and fornication

Hubs and I have only gotten jiggy with it twice since I found out I have a bun in the oven.

I mean, my libido hasn't really gone down much -- twice in six weeks was pretty much par for our course lately. How I got pregnant at all is still a complete and utter mystery (or at least a warning signal to all those occasional unprotected-sex-havers out there.)

(And, I guess, excuses hubs from having asked, "Is it mine?" when I initially told him that I was knocked up.)

Anycum, the reason we haven't had much sexy-time is because 1) I can no longer be taken advantage of in drunken moments of "let's get it on, wife" in which I am the wife and I am the drunk... and 2) It makes me uncomfortable.

Let's explore number two.

I know, I know. It's really ridiculous. But, seriously. I mean, there's a fetus in there listening to mommy's "o-voice" in what I can only assume is like the most serious surround-sound system ever.

(You know: oh, oh, ohhhhhhh! YES! OHMYGODSPICE!!)

(Not that mommy usually uses her o-voice during sex with daddy. Let's be honest.)

(So masturbation is out, too. It's been fun, silver bullet. I'll see you next January.)

It's just all so... I don't know, Oedipal, or something. Perhaps I will feel more comfortable when the baby arrives, and is sleeping. Then Mommy and Daddy can get it on all.the.time, because Mommy will totally be in the mood for it then -- once her special parts have been hacked wide open to give birth, and when her boobies are (I'm assuming: painfully) dispensing milky stuff everywhere.

Because all that's hot.

Oh, hell, fetus. You didn't want a sibling, did you? I may never fornicate again.

Comments

Talli Roland said…
Um...

I'm sure you'll get it on at least one more time before you die! :)

Seriously, though, I have some friends who have told me the same thing.
~*~Lilly~*~ said…
My v-jay hurts just thinking about all that splitting & seriously makes me want to reconsider ever giving birth. lol
Melissa Hurst said…
*snorts* You have made my day!
Sierra Godfrey said…
God you're funny.

Here's a tip. fetus likes the gentle massage it gets when your uterus contracts in orgasm. Is like nice rocking motion!

It is loving gesture from his/her mommy.

Probably you will feel this way until you are very largely pregnant and then your hormones will make you want to jump Hubs, but he will be repulsed...because who wants to have sex with a hugely pregnant lady? gross!
rachaelgking said…
Hahaha! And TMI Thursday lives on...
Roni Loren said…
lol, TMI Thursday never disappoints. My advice: get thee to the bedroom (or the kitchen table or backseat of the car, whatever does it for you). Seriously. The baby can't hear you yet anyway, the ears aren't functioning until at least the 7th month or something. And Sierra's right about the contractions.

Plus, you REALLY will not want to do it for a good six months after baby arrives. Between sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, and whatever trauma your body goes through during birth, chastity belts will start looking good to you.
Travener said…
My spousal unit felt the same way (no libdo); alas, 14 years later, she still does. You can't believe what I had to go through to talk her into baby number two, our sweet daughter. And, fertile crescent that she is, that only took two tries... Can't wait for the pics!
Unknown said…
Holy crap to the insanity you just shared!!! I couldn't stop laughing, yes I apologize but I couldn't help it. I will tell you that I'm reconsidering ever getting pregnant, and for that I thank you.

Maybe babyspice won't remember any of the sexy time you might end up having. Then again you can never be too careful!
carissa said…
Ahhhahahaha I'm dying here, and also once again giving a high five to the condoms in my purse.

Also, I can see why you think it's weird. I kinda think it would be a little weird just having daddy's peen so close to the baby's face.

That being said, I still hope you and your vajayjay get some before you have a baby. If you can't drink you gotta have something!
Ashley Stone said…
haha I was thinking "oh Amber, you're silly.." until I read the comment above about how a "fetus likes the gentle massage it gets when your uterus contracts in orgasm."

Um....ewspice. I think that may have ruined any future sex i might have when I do get pregnant.
Vicki Rocho said…
This was soo funny! Thanks for the giggle!

In a few weeks the hormones will be gushing through your veins and you'll be typing a very different story.

Oh, and I've heard that junior is actually comforted with the thump-thump-thumping of your heart during these errrrr jiggy times.
Anonymous said…
Hubby just read this and called the suicide hotline....

Popular posts from this blog

in which i have a birthday and a giveaway

The blogger as a child. p.s. it's my birthday. And people at Starbucks like me. (I did get this for free, but it was not for the benefit of my blog.)  (Obvi, it was a gift .) There's a cupcake in that box! There's a hazelnut latte in that cup! In other news, I'm having a 100 Followers/ It's my birthday giveaway. You should enter. I'm giving away the following goodies: 1. A $25.00 VISA giftcard. 2. An original poem, which will be hadwritten and autographed on pretty paper. It might be about love, about being a writer, or maybe the winner will be able to choose the topic. We shall see. This giveaway is a bit seatofthepantsspice. 3. A frame from my wedding day. In fact, this very frame: 4. A mystery. The fourth goodie will be a surprise until you open the package! 5. The whopper: I will dedicate a karaoke song to you, personally, and put it on my blog, vlogger style. If you want to enter this smashing contest: leave a comment. 1 entry if you follow and comme...

First Page Blogfester

Preface: TGIF. It has been a day. So. I'm participating in the First Page Blogfest in which writers around the blogosphere post the opening 24 lines of their WIP. (In a "real" book, this is the approximate amount of work that would appear on page 1!) This blogfest is being headed up by Kelly over at Kelly's Compositions . Please check out the other entries and leave them a comment on their work. My own WIP will be featured on Roni's Beta Club next week, and I chose an excerpt from the beginning one chapter one for critque over there, so today I'll give you the true beginning: the opening lines of my prologue. Here goes nothing. My working title is A SAD SONG IN A FLAT KEY Genre: Literary Fictionspice Prologue May 2005      Laurel sits Indian style. She faces the head of her bed and tries to focus on Cafe Terrace at Night, pretending it is priceless artwork instead of a cheap replica. She counts the tables first, and the...

Sarah, Plain and Tall

Seriously, Sarah? I am more irritated with you now than I was when you called Katie Couric perky on Oprah this week (and wasn't that the annoying pot calling the whistling kettle black?) and more irritated than I was when the interview with Katie Couric aired and you couldn't think of one book or magazine that you read on the regular. (Oh, I'm sorry - you chose not to disclos e the titles of books and magazines and newspaper you devour, because Katie Couric was annoying you and treating you like an uneducated inuit.) Maybe you should have just swallowed your ego and mentioned Newsweek. I mean, I'm not suggesting that the cover page would look different if you had, but could you try any harder to alienate the media? I know, I know, they are all evil, with their leftist agendas and loose morals. I understand. It's so difficult when the world won't give a feminist maverick a fighting chance, and harder still when that maverick has been ordered to stay on scrip...