I know that I left everyone hanging yesterday. You know, when I went to pee on that stick. (That was mean of me. Not the peeing, but the leaving hanging.) Well, I think the big reveal is best expressed in letter form. Deep breath. Here goes. dear unborn baby daughter son or daughter, I take it back. I take back everything I said about not wanting kids. I was just scaredspice, and the slightest bit selfish, and maybe I had a giant fear of commitment. But, three positive test results in the last eighteen hours seem to say that you actually are in there, getting all comfy. I guess you'll probably be here in mid-December. I never thought about having a Christmas baby. (You've really put a wrench in my whole taking-maternity-leave-during-the-NCAA-tournament plan, but that's okay. At least it's basketball season. Don't tell Daddy yet, but you are going to cheer for the Indiana Hoosiers.) Speaking of Daddy, I take back all the mean things I've ever sa...
I'm stealing Tina Lynn's Make Me Laugh Monday series so that someone can throw me a bone today. (Tina, you can yell at me later. I know that I just totally jocked you, and I understand that there is the possibility of a cyber throw-down between you and me because of it. This is a risk I'm willing to take.)
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A man is hunting in the woods. He spots a bear not fifty yards away. He takes careful aim and fires. BAM! He looks up. No bear! He can't believe it. He goes up to where the bear was. No bear.
There's a tapping on his shoulders. He turns around. The bear is standing there. He's eight feet tall if he's a foot.
The bear says, "Give me a blow job or I'll rip your face off."
Jesus, the man thinks. Blow job...rip my face off... So he pleasures the bear.
He's angry and disgusted. He's going to get that bear. He goes to the gun shop, buys the most powerful gun they have, a .50 caliber black-powder rifle.
On the weekend he goes back to the woods. The bear is in the same spot. The man takes careful aim, fires. BOOM! A big puff of smoke...but when the smoke clears...no bear.
Tap, tap, Tap. The bear is there.
"Give me a blow job or I'll rip your face off."
So he pleasures the bear.
Now the man's really angry. He's outraged. He goes back to the gun shop. Orders an elephant gun from Africa. Has it sent special air freight.
The next weekend he takes the elephant gun and goes back to the woods. The bear is in the same spot. He creeps up within 20 yards and takes careful aim. There's no way he can miss. He fires. KA-BOOM! A giant cloud of smoke. But when the smoke clears...no bear.
Tap, tap, tap.
The man turns around. The bear is standing there with his arms crossed.
The bear says, "It's not the hunting you come out here for, is it?"
What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do at night?
Lie in bed and wonder if there really is a dog.
Is there a prize for the worst?
much love
Buckets of awesome hell yessedness!
It's all good. Whether it's posted on yours or mine, I still get to laugh.
So a co-worker that shall remain nameless came back from her potty break wheezing with laughter.
After several moments she finally calmed down.
"What is with you?" I asked.
"I just went to the bathroom and when I pulled up my underwear I noticed there was a little pocket on the side..."
Insert more laughter here.
I knew what happened immediately.
"You put your underwear on wrong?" I asked.
She nodded, still wheezing.
"It's a thong, so I didn't even notice the difference."
So now I'm left wondering, what in the world did she think that "pocket" was for?
"What does that mean? You beat it?"
"Oh, you mean my score?" Long pause. "I don't know."
You know you're a neurotic writer when you won't tell your date you had a lovely time, because lovely is an -ly word.
muchcheaperthantherapy.blogspot.com
I promptly said yes, because I'm such a nice person, and sat down at her console.
It looked pretty easy. There were extensions posted and all I needed to do was transfer calls to the right place.
So, a call comes in and the guest requests room service.
I looked up the extension and transferred it. The moment I hit the transfer button, I saw a little side note that said. This desk takes all room service orders after 10PM.
Of course, the phone rings, and I know it's the guy I just transferred.
So, I try to change my voice and answer, "Room service."
Well, apparently, I'm not good at that, because he could totally tell it was me. He paused then after a long, "Uhh..."
He placed his order. I was so embarrassed. It was mortifying.
A couple of weeks ago I was heading back into the kitchen to get myself a refill for my soda.
As I rounded the corner to face the flimsy, silver double doors that lead to the kitchen I could already feel my heart rate escalating. The hall that leads from the dining area to the kitchen is about twenty feet long. The floor is tiled in a faux red brick with a nice chalk outline of a body on the floor (kind of sets the mood, doesn't it?).
I had paused before going down the hall in order to give myself a second to calm my own nerves.
That's when I saw it. A light flickered behind those doors and I froze solid.
I stared into that kitchen through those tiny windows in those flimsy, silver doors and contemplated going thirsty for the rest of the day.
Then...
BANG! Someone had slammed one of the doors from the other side.
I screamed. Loud.
And...it was the stinking pest control guy!
I was so embarrassed. I mean, what was he doing spraying for bugs in complete darkness anyway.
So, we had our laughs, him probably more than me, and we parted ways.
As I was getting myself a soda, I said, "How embarrassing?"
And he was still there! He said something about being glad that it wasn't him that screamed like that.