Skip to main content

in which my hips and inner-thighs speak rapture

It was Free Pastry Day at Starbucks.

My thighs are not as excited about this as the rest of me.

In fact, my thighs wanted to know, did you not just feed us a bacon, egg, and cheese bagel from Panera? Are you out of your damn mind?

To my thighs, I responded, But, it was an asiago bagel! All bets are off when there's asiago involved. And it was breakfast and lunch. I'm not going to eat my free pastry yet, so step off. I'll put it in the fridge, and heat up that flaky, free croissant later -- like for dinner or something, when I will unabashedly smother it with either hubs homemade chicken salad or a giant gob of butter.

My thighs weren't done. Are you aware that bathing-suit-season is just around the corner? Do you not recall that picture your husband took of you walking down a honeymoon beach a mere eighteen months ago? (You know, the one in which we had a striking resemble to cottage cheese?)

Me: Hey! We promised to never bring that up again! What happened to taking it to the grave?

Thighs: This is for your own good. Don't blame us. It could have been worse. Your arm flab wanted to do a full-blown intervention... Thinks you should trade in a few episodes of American Idol for a trip to the gym.

Me: But I carry all that boxed coin at the bank. That's practically cardio!

Thighs: You may want to do a few reps while you've got it in hand or something. And, a squat or twenty for good measure. Anything at all. We're getting a little embarrased. We scare small children.

Me: There's no need to exagerate. My body does not scare small children! You know what? Run and f**k yourselves.

Thighs: Run and what? Ohh, believe me. We would if we could. We would run at least a half mile, and then we would look better. But since you have what appears to be negative lung capacity, we haven't run in the better part of a decade. It's been so long, we actually don't remember running. We thought maybe running had been outlawedspice.

Me: Hilarious. Adding spice to things doesn't make me less annoyed with you. Well, okay. Maybe a little less annoyed. Because it's cutespice.

Thighs: And because you know we're rightspice. Bazingaspice.

Me: Stop over-using it! Ohh, but that episode of Big Bang Theory last night was really funny, wasn't it?

Thighs: You probably would have "LOL-ed" a lot more if you hadn't been stuffing your face with chocolate chip cookies.

Comments

Anonymous said…
I had a conversation kind of like this with my ass once....
carissa said…
haha I love this so much! But WTF THIGHS? How could they possibly not be amused by adding "spice" onto the end of words!? I call bullshit.
~*~Lilly~*~ said…
Oh i can't stop laughing!
jayme said…
hahahahspice fo sho. probably one of my favorite posts so far. you should be proud of yourself (and your thighs for that matter for having a sense of humor and for your thighs being a smart ass {no pun intended}) ... however, it's amazing what a breakup will do-- i've lost 12 pounds in the last 2 weeks! i'msoskinnyspice. NOTTT. a girl can dream...
sarahjayne smythe said…
OMG! I think I hurt myself laughing. Your posts should come with warning labels. :)
Sarah Ann said…
:) Haha. So funny!
Sierra Godfrey said…
Cripes girl you are sooooo funny! I love it.
Shannon Messenger said…
*dies laughing*

Soooooo glad my thighs can't talk to me. I don't even want to THINK about what they'd say.
Melissa Hurst said…
OMG, my side is hurting! You should really include this in a book someday. It would be a bestseller, guaranteed:)
Wendy Sparrow said…
Snort... and adding spice to everything does make it cutespice. Well... not snortspice... because then it just sounds like an unfortunate addiction.
Tina Lynn said…
sidesplittingspice
JUST ME said…
I missed the free pastry by one hour.

I almost cried.
Yvonne Osborne said…
Ha! Pretty funny Ms. Murphy. No...hilarious. I agree... you just need to tell them to shut the f***spice up! At least until you get done with you cookies.

Smiling all the way to bed....
Travener said…
Very amusing. Even though I found the subject line to be, if not misleading, then disappointing. I thought maybe those hips and thighs were doing something else.

I need help, I thinki.
Ashley Stone said…
oh my goodness, you are so funny! This made me laugh out loud! Love it! My thighs just yelled at me for eating pasta and garlic bread.
Tahereh said…
LOL

you are way too adorable!
B.E. Sanderson said…
ROFL... Thank goodness my thighs stopped speaking to me years ago. I don't want to know what they'd say about last night's fall off the diet wagon right into a chocolate-peanut butter sundae.

Popular posts from this blog

in which i have a birthday and a giveaway

The blogger as a child. p.s. it's my birthday. And people at Starbucks like me. (I did get this for free, but it was not for the benefit of my blog.)  (Obvi, it was a gift .) There's a cupcake in that box! There's a hazelnut latte in that cup! In other news, I'm having a 100 Followers/ It's my birthday giveaway. You should enter. I'm giving away the following goodies: 1. A $25.00 VISA giftcard. 2. An original poem, which will be hadwritten and autographed on pretty paper. It might be about love, about being a writer, or maybe the winner will be able to choose the topic. We shall see. This giveaway is a bit seatofthepantsspice. 3. A frame from my wedding day. In fact, this very frame: 4. A mystery. The fourth goodie will be a surprise until you open the package! 5. The whopper: I will dedicate a karaoke song to you, personally, and put it on my blog, vlogger style. If you want to enter this smashing contest: leave a comment. 1 entry if you follow and comme...

love at first sight blogfest, or, go eat a heart-shaped cookie

Courtney Reese is hosting a love at first sight blogfest, in which writer's write about the icky love stuff. Check it out -- there are already a ton of entries over there. Okay, so my scene isn't really love at first sight for my mc, Laurel (in fact, she doesn't even want it to be) but this is the first time she interacts with her second love interest, David.  Read! Enjoy! Critique!      A sea of southerners filled the lobby of the movie theater. David Winter stood at a neon orange podium in the center of the throng, his head throbbing. He tore off one ticket stub after another, pointed the masses in the appropriate direction. The work was monotonous. Most of the patrons were lost in conversations with one another, and they paid David the same lack of attention that he showed them. He tried not to grimace at the giggling teenage girls, the smug looking guys in gold chains, the overweight middle aged couples: all annoyed him equa...

possessive

I watched Hoarders last night. During the first commercial break, I dared to look around my living room and I thought, oh holy mother of four-letter-word. Color me cluttered. Yes, it's true that most of my mess is hidden and collecting dust in the dark, but I know what's there -- like the 100+ VHS tapes in my bookshelf/ media cabinet, for instance. Yes, I love knowing that should I desire to watch my old school copy of Riding in Cars with Boys or Girls Just Wanna Have Fun or The Royal Tenembaums or Serendipity or Ghost World or Memento or... okay. You get the picture. It's there. If I wanted it, it would be right there. Also semi-hidden? Probaby 50+ copies of this weekly magazine from the late 1960's - early 1970's called Story of Life. My grandma gave them to me. Have I cracked the cover of even one issue? Hell to the no. I don't have time for that type of nostalgia. Plus, I can't even find a link for it with a quick google search. Something tha...