It was Free Pastry Day at Starbucks.
My thighs are not as excited about this as the rest of me.
In fact, my thighs wanted to know, did you not just feed us a bacon, egg, and cheese bagel from Panera? Are you out of your damn mind?
To my thighs, I responded, But, it was an asiago bagel! All bets are off when there's asiago involved. And it was breakfast and lunch. I'm not going to eat my free pastry yet, so step off. I'll put it in the fridge, and heat up that flaky, free croissant later -- like for dinner or something, when I will unabashedly smother it with either hubs homemade chicken salad or a giant gob of butter.
My thighs weren't done. Are you aware that bathing-suit-season is just around the corner? Do you not recall that picture your husband took of you walking down a honeymoon beach a mere eighteen months ago? (You know, the one in which we had a striking resemble to cottage cheese?)
Me: Hey! We promised to never bring that up again! What happened to taking it to the grave?
Thighs: This is for your own good. Don't blame us. It could have been worse. Your arm flab wanted to do a full-blown intervention... Thinks you should trade in a few episodes of American Idol for a trip to the gym.
Me: But I carry all that boxed coin at the bank. That's practically cardio!
Thighs: You may want to do a few reps while you've got it in hand or something. And, a squat or twenty for good measure. Anything at all. We're getting a little embarrased. We scare small children.
Me: There's no need to exagerate. My body does not scare small children! You know what? Run and f**k yourselves.
Thighs: Run and what? Ohh, believe me. We would if we could. We would run at least a half mile, and then we would look better. But since you have what appears to be negative lung capacity, we haven't run in the better part of a decade. It's been so long, we actually don't remember running. We thought maybe running had been outlawedspice.
Me: Hilarious. Adding spice to things doesn't make me less annoyed with you. Well, okay. Maybe a little less annoyed. Because it's cutespice.
Thighs: And because you know we're rightspice. Bazingaspice.
Me: Stop over-using it! Ohh, but that episode of Big Bang Theory last night was really funny, wasn't it?
Thighs: You probably would have "LOL-ed" a lot more if you hadn't been stuffing your face with chocolate chip cookies.
My thighs are not as excited about this as the rest of me.
In fact, my thighs wanted to know, did you not just feed us a bacon, egg, and cheese bagel from Panera? Are you out of your damn mind?
To my thighs, I responded, But, it was an asiago bagel! All bets are off when there's asiago involved. And it was breakfast and lunch. I'm not going to eat my free pastry yet, so step off. I'll put it in the fridge, and heat up that flaky, free croissant later -- like for dinner or something, when I will unabashedly smother it with either hubs homemade chicken salad or a giant gob of butter.
My thighs weren't done. Are you aware that bathing-suit-season is just around the corner? Do you not recall that picture your husband took of you walking down a honeymoon beach a mere eighteen months ago? (You know, the one in which we had a striking resemble to cottage cheese?)
Me: Hey! We promised to never bring that up again! What happened to taking it to the grave?
Thighs: This is for your own good. Don't blame us. It could have been worse. Your arm flab wanted to do a full-blown intervention... Thinks you should trade in a few episodes of American Idol for a trip to the gym.
Me: But I carry all that boxed coin at the bank. That's practically cardio!
Thighs: You may want to do a few reps while you've got it in hand or something. And, a squat or twenty for good measure. Anything at all. We're getting a little embarrased. We scare small children.
Me: There's no need to exagerate. My body does not scare small children! You know what? Run and f**k yourselves.
Thighs: Run and what? Ohh, believe me. We would if we could. We would run at least a half mile, and then we would look better. But since you have what appears to be negative lung capacity, we haven't run in the better part of a decade. It's been so long, we actually don't remember running. We thought maybe running had been outlawedspice.
Me: Hilarious. Adding spice to things doesn't make me less annoyed with you. Well, okay. Maybe a little less annoyed. Because it's cutespice.
Thighs: And because you know we're rightspice. Bazingaspice.
Me: Stop over-using it! Ohh, but that episode of Big Bang Theory last night was really funny, wasn't it?
Thighs: You probably would have "LOL-ed" a lot more if you hadn't been stuffing your face with chocolate chip cookies.
Comments
Soooooo glad my thighs can't talk to me. I don't even want to THINK about what they'd say.
I almost cried.
Smiling all the way to bed....
I need help, I thinki.
you are way too adorable!