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Complex Trauma is a Real Bitch

 T

Therapy session yesterday: in which I try to be honest and then spent the better part of the hour trying not to cry, before finally giving in and letting out choke-sobs and covering my face with my hands.

A good cry is so cleansing, but I tend to hold it in other than when I'm watching the Bridges of Madison County for the hundredth time. Tears are also reversed for episodes of This Is Us, sappy commercials (you know the ones) and the ends of books like Elin Hilderbrand's 28 Summers. 

For whatever reason, I got that typically masculine gene where I feel like crying is a sign of weakness. 

Well, not for whatever reason.

It's thanks to complex trauma in my past.

Thankfully, my therapist gave me some great homework - reading the first couple of chapters of The Living Legacy of Trauma. 

She had me scan through the first chapter in the middle of our session. I wanted to just TALK, but I read through and the bolded beginning really hit home - 

"A traumatic event is not over when it is over - even if we have successfully survived."

I learned what (in my head) I think I already knew. "The living legacy of trauma consists of a gamut of symptoms and difficulties, most of which are unrecognizable as trauma-related..."

Some of these that I currently relate to, or have in the past?

Insomnia

Emotional Overwhelm

Loss of interest

Shame/ Worthlessness

Anxiety/ Panic Attacks

Self Destructive Behavior

Irritability 

Okay, wait. I just realized I'm essentially copying down EVERY FREAKING ONE.


At the end of the chapter, the author asks us to think about your most troubling trauma symptoms and ask, "How Did This Help Me?"

Do what now? 

I need to go back and re-read the chapter, highlighter in hand. I'm not sure how any of these things are helpful. I do understand that I can answer the nagging question that my self-talk always asked, "Why am I like this?"

The answer: past complex trauma. 

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