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The Hater in your Head

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Get the Hater Out of Your Head

Guys, I used to be a hot mess. 

Oh, and I'd share it with y'all on here, generally on Thursdays. #TMIThursday is super triggering for me now. I don't recommend searching for that tag, but I can't stop you, and you'd be entertained.

When I started blogging circa 2008 I had just gotten married, but to be honest I did so knowing it probably wouldn't last. For so many reasons, I didn't think I deserved to be happy. 

My new husband loved me, in his way, and mostly in good ways. Granted his love came from a place where he thought I was too good for him. And that was one thing we agreed on.

When did my self-sabotage start? I used to think it started with him. I'd been unfaithful in previous relationships, so part of me thought I didn't really deserve happiness. If I was simply settling with him, then So Be It, I probably deserved to settle. I'm also stubborn - so, to give myself some credit, I knew I was making a choice. I went to the alter thinking - I have made this choice, and I will try to love him the way I want to be loved. 

Looking back, though - the self-sabotage in my relationships started well before I met first husband. I just wasn't equipped to trust a man. My biological father's abuse and my grandfather's betrayal of my grandma (and really, all of us) just set the stage. So, as a young teen, my satisfaction with a guy came after I "got him to like me." Then, I would feel super uncomfortable about holding hands and kissing. It was worse than a typical pre-teen or new teenaged awkwardness.  

I would become completely numb to any feelings for the guys I'd had the biggest crushes on as soon as they showed me any affection in return. 

Protection. Walls. Sabotage. 

Thank god I figured it out before 40. After getting divorced in 2013, I really thought I'd stay single until my daughter finished high school. 

And then I found him. The one who will never allow me to sabotage our relationship or to blow up our love. Because, for him, nothing could.

And thank god my brain caught up with my heart -- or vice versa -- because I want him. I want him now, I want him for life. I want him to share my life. 

And I know, mistakes and all, I deserve this. I remind myself every day when the hater in my head tries to tell me to hurt him before he hurts me. When the hater in my head wants me to lie to him for no reason, or to push him away, or to pull away - I tell that hater where to go. 

I think my hater is a little girl who saw to much before five years old. She really shouldn't even be called a hater. She''s trying to look out for me. 

I have introduced her to my new husband, and I think she gets it now. He's here to protect me, and all my parts, even the scared little girl who just needs to let him hold her.

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